Ruby's Adoption Journey

I was always an outstanding student and never did anything wrong. I never got into trouble. When I found out I was pregnant, I was living with my mom at the age of 20, didn't have a job and my boyfriend had broken up with me. I was terrified and struggled to figure out how I was going to exist as an adult let alone bring a child into the world. I always thought I would abort but right away I decided I could not do it. I felt too much inside. I had vivid dreams about the baby.

I had called clinics to get information about all my options and researched a lot on the internet. I wanted to be sure I made an educated decision.

I decided I was not ready to parent and to do so at that point would possibly be at least emotionally harmful to the child and I could not support a child. The dad did not want to be a dad. I did not know how it could work out for the good of my baby to keep him. Abortion was already out the window. I already felt such a strangely strong bond with my son. When I heard it was possible to have open and semi-open adoptions, I felt very hopeful. I wouldn't just be blindly giving away my baby. I would have a choice and a say in his future.

Then I saw a commercial on tv. After talking with the great people at Gladney, I felt so positive about everything and relieved that my baby would be in good hands. I was relieved that I could choose his parents and stay in touch and know he's okay.

I stayed with my parents. I felt more comfortable going through the whole process around people I know, but I was lucky that I had a lot of support.

I had two caseworkers. Both were very nice and came to my parent's house to counsel me. It really made everything easier having someone to talk to about this on a different level and who knew what I was going through. When searching for an adoptive family, I looked for honest, down to earth people who seemed like someone I would like as my own parents. After interviewing several potential adopted parents, I found a couple with an adopted daughter who I really connected with. They were so friendly and understanding. They felt blessed and yet empathetic about my decision. When we had dinner, it was like I was dining with some old friends I hadn't seen in years.

I had a very quick delivery without any medication. All my family and friends came to meet the baby and really I had no time to really react until just before I checked out and they took the baby with the foster caretaker. Then I was sitting there alone feeling empty. I was wheeled past the prenatal class I would have been in that day (the baby was born early) and they almost rushed to see me. The instructor already knew my situation and stopped them.

The placement was a positive yet bittersweet experience. I really love the adoptive parents and they were nice to give us copies of the pictures they took as we lost ours when the computer crashed. It was very hard to just let go, but I was surrounded by people who helped me be positive about it.

Unfortunately, I have not written them in a long time. I have moved many times and only within the past 3 years have settled down. I do want to get back in touch with them and hope they understand. I just did not know what to say. Now that I have a baby ten years later, I want to reconnect.

I sometimes wonder what-if. But I am confident I made the best choice I could make. My life may not have gotten better had I stayed where I was and therefore the baby would possibly have suffered. And I know there's a happy boy out there with very awesome parents.

At first I was very depressed and turned to alcohol. I am not proud of that. I felt very isolated and unsure how to relate to anyone. For a very long time I could not look at a baby without breaking down. I didn't think I'd ever want children again. It took a LOT of work to get myself to a better place mentally. I'm in my 30's now and finally have come to a point in my life where I feel really good about myself and my life.

It isn't easy and no one ever told me it would be. But I have no regrets about my decision. I hope one day to meet my birth son and introduce him to my daughter. I hope he understands my choice was made out of love and for his well-being.